One of the beautiful things about writing is that sometimes it can be serious
and other times whimsical. Today I give you the latter of the two
forms. The topic is…Milk Duds! That’s right. That caramel and
chocolate snack that has been around forever. I was in the line at the
supermarket and saw them sitting in a bin. It reminded me of a story and I
had to buy them. They are delicious but so is the story. Many, many
years ago before I even knew my wife I went to a movie on a date. At the
candy counter I ordered two sodas, a box of Jujyfruits and a box of Milk
Duds. With it being a first date, I didn’t want her to see me make a mess
of myself with popcorn. That would be a disaster. I thought I was so
smart and had really thought this through. So we go into the movie and
everything is fine. Then I opened the Jujyfruits and put about three in my
mouth of some random flavors. Everything was normal and them I bit
down. It was as though some industrial strength glue had stuck to my
teeth! I pulled and pulled with my jaw and finally the candy released one side
of my mouth. Now I had two candies stuck to the molar on the bottom of my
mouth and one on the other side stuck to a top molar. Panic began to set
in. I didn’t want to look odd but these things were driving me
insane. My tongue tried to discreetly dislodge them but they would not
move. I wanted to use my forefinger to scrape them off but that would look
most undesirable in a perspective boyfriend, I presumed. Then I had an
idea. Use the straw from the drink to scrape them off. I put the
straw in my mouth and must have jabbed the roof of it ten times before I finally
connected. Then the girl asked, “What are you doing?” I was
embarrassed and instead of revealing my misery I fibbed. “I just had
trouble finding my straw in the dark.” She moved the cup out of my hand to
the drink holder and held my hand as we watched the movie. One side of me
said in my head, “Yes! She likes me. This is a sure sign. The
other side of my brain was saying, “No, I almost had one of them! Now she
has hold of my cup-hand and my soda is on the other side of the seat from my
free hand. How can I possibly do this?” Then things went from
horrible to unthinkable. She smiled at me and opened the Milk Duds.
“Here, I don’t want to eat alone. Have some.” What could I
say? Could I tell her, “No thank you, I have already managed to adhere
three pieces of candy permanently to my teeth?” I couldn’t go there.
So I convinced myself that the Milk Duds would stick to the Jujyfruits and pull
them free. (Great plan, I know). I put a couple in my mouth and
discovered Jujyfruits are slippery and do not like caramel. So the Milk
Duds wedged themselves between teeth and settled in for a while. It was a
good thing I didn’t buy Redhots. My tongue set to work on the Milk Duds
and pulled 75% of them free but the caramel had adhered to different
teeth. It was a new and different pain. I felt like I needed a
dentist with that scratchy probe to work them out. At last I could stand
it no more and I excused myself to go to the men’s room. I moved so fast
that I spilled someone’s popcorn (thank goodness for free refills or that could
have been ugly). Finally I reached the bathroom and started ramming
fingers into my mouth as I looked in the mirror. A guy was combing his
hair and watched me for at least five minutes before he said, “First
date?” I nodded sadly. He replied, “That really sucks, Dude!
Next time go with licorice.”
and other times whimsical. Today I give you the latter of the two
forms. The topic is…Milk Duds! That’s right. That caramel and
chocolate snack that has been around forever. I was in the line at the
supermarket and saw them sitting in a bin. It reminded me of a story and I
had to buy them. They are delicious but so is the story. Many, many
years ago before I even knew my wife I went to a movie on a date. At the
candy counter I ordered two sodas, a box of Jujyfruits and a box of Milk
Duds. With it being a first date, I didn’t want her to see me make a mess
of myself with popcorn. That would be a disaster. I thought I was so
smart and had really thought this through. So we go into the movie and
everything is fine. Then I opened the Jujyfruits and put about three in my
mouth of some random flavors. Everything was normal and them I bit
down. It was as though some industrial strength glue had stuck to my
teeth! I pulled and pulled with my jaw and finally the candy released one side
of my mouth. Now I had two candies stuck to the molar on the bottom of my
mouth and one on the other side stuck to a top molar. Panic began to set
in. I didn’t want to look odd but these things were driving me
insane. My tongue tried to discreetly dislodge them but they would not
move. I wanted to use my forefinger to scrape them off but that would look
most undesirable in a perspective boyfriend, I presumed. Then I had an
idea. Use the straw from the drink to scrape them off. I put the
straw in my mouth and must have jabbed the roof of it ten times before I finally
connected. Then the girl asked, “What are you doing?” I was
embarrassed and instead of revealing my misery I fibbed. “I just had
trouble finding my straw in the dark.” She moved the cup out of my hand to
the drink holder and held my hand as we watched the movie. One side of me
said in my head, “Yes! She likes me. This is a sure sign. The
other side of my brain was saying, “No, I almost had one of them! Now she
has hold of my cup-hand and my soda is on the other side of the seat from my
free hand. How can I possibly do this?” Then things went from
horrible to unthinkable. She smiled at me and opened the Milk Duds.
“Here, I don’t want to eat alone. Have some.” What could I
say? Could I tell her, “No thank you, I have already managed to adhere
three pieces of candy permanently to my teeth?” I couldn’t go there.
So I convinced myself that the Milk Duds would stick to the Jujyfruits and pull
them free. (Great plan, I know). I put a couple in my mouth and
discovered Jujyfruits are slippery and do not like caramel. So the Milk
Duds wedged themselves between teeth and settled in for a while. It was a
good thing I didn’t buy Redhots. My tongue set to work on the Milk Duds
and pulled 75% of them free but the caramel had adhered to different
teeth. It was a new and different pain. I felt like I needed a
dentist with that scratchy probe to work them out. At last I could stand
it no more and I excused myself to go to the men’s room. I moved so fast
that I spilled someone’s popcorn (thank goodness for free refills or that could
have been ugly). Finally I reached the bathroom and started ramming
fingers into my mouth as I looked in the mirror. A guy was combing his
hair and watched me for at least five minutes before he said, “First
date?” I nodded sadly. He replied, “That really sucks, Dude!
Next time go with licorice.”
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